Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I'm sitting at home crying my eyes out. I have accepted my reality. I sold my house, I changed my last name but I still can't get my shit together. Last night was my 1st night as "Mrs. Bear" we made love for the 1st time with nothing in between us. I stopped taking birth control months ago and he didn't use a condom. I don't know what I was thinking. When he entered all 12 inches inside of me I damn screamed so loud, i am SURE the neighbors heard me. I tried to play the good girl 3role and wouldn't let him get any for the past month. I was in and out of the A working. I am taking a month off from work just to be with Bear. Honeymoon for 3 weeks all over the world andLa take a much needed vacation.

I have pushed the date of the wedding around so many times and it honestly was the spur of the moment.I called him last Friday and my immediate Family and told them we were getting married on July 5th 2010.

And Finally I can be honest on why I did it so soon. I think I'm pregnant... I know im being deceitful and this ain't no Maury shit. I have been off Birth Control for the past 2 months or so.I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Bear always uses condoms, but I told him I wanted to get pregnant right away. I'm not getting younger!!! We have no been having sex since i told him I wanted to get married on July 5. He didn't care! He never wanted a big wedding. But me being the diva had already invest over 10,000 on a wedding that I canceled 3 months ago.

Let me go back. Bear proposed on November 13, 2009. We broke up at the end of March, as my house was being closed on by someone else. I was lost and up until June I was sure we would never be together. I was with a few other guys but I never lost sight of the fact that I am in Love.

you heard me folks, I am in love with Bear. I can't live without out this nigga. As much as it hurts me to know this baby may not be his, I know It that he will raise it.

There is nothing better than being married to him. I invited my mommy and daddy, my ssister and brother, his mom and siblings and his boys and we had a wedding in the backyard of our new mansion. it was beautiful and I cried the whole time but now im left confused and hurt and praying. I really want a child but by my husband.

Last night Bear finally took his time, he entered me from the side and slowly stroked until he started touching my gspot with the top of his penis. I can't even count the number of times Bear and I have had sex, but the love we made as husband and wife was irreplacable. He touched my mind, body and soul. And he's all mine. He held me up on the dressor and licked every inch of my walls, my clit and my pussy. I am still amazed at how he took his time.

He left me for a few hours to do some work but now I can't sleep without him.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The 1st time I felt a woman

I'm taking a break and Part 3 of the engagment story will premier in a couple days. While I was alone this past weekend and Bear was in NYC I went to Onyx. I love the girls at Onyx but shout out to the Magic City chicks. I don't even think the girls at Onyx even got on the pole! Gigi is my favorite on the pole at Magic but I digress. It made me think of the 1st time I felt a woman. It was when I was 8. At 8, I used to finger my baby sitter's daughter. We would hunch and touch each other after school while my baby sitter was doing what she wasn't supposed to be doing. I grew up alone most of the time. Mom and Dad always worked and when they weren't working they were on their "Date nights" I was left alone with my nanny and her daughter who was 2 years older than me.I grew up the only child at home. My older brother is 15 years older than me and he is still in the damn Airforce all these years later! I haven't seen him in years! You won't get that much of my personal life so thats about it about my family. Back to the story at hand.I get sidetracked easily. I remember feeling the insides of a woman. I know yall are thinking 8?! Who thinks of that then? But I did, I thought boys were cute but I didn't want to see their penis! I wanted to see breasts and such. "Jessica" and I would hunch and finger each other until I was about 12 and she was 14. She then thought what we were doing was "gay" and would constantly taunt me because I would beg her mom to let me sleep in the guest house with them.

I don't know why I'm not gay, honestly and I don't believe it when people say they are "born" gay. I always wanted to touch women,but I later fell in love with men. I personally think all women are attracted to each other, we may not all respond to it but we all love the scent, the feel and the look of each other as women. If you disagree please let me know! Cause I doubt it! Not everyone acts on it but EVERY WOMAN has wanted to touch another woman!

After that I didn't touch a girl again till I was 18. My freshman year at MIT. I had my 1st lesbian relationship. I took "Callie" home with me and my parents thought she was my best friend. My dad kept looking at her and I laughed so hard when he asked her if she had a boyfriend. Callie said "I have someone I'm in love with and they love me too, but not a boyfriend" After that my mom said we needed to talk. I didn't tell her I was gay, but I did tell her I still liked men. She never questioned me after that but Callie and I broke up soon after and there wasn't a reason I would ever bring a girl home.

Lastly this is my advice to women who have questioned their sexuality. Express yourself. It's not "natural" for a woman to be with another woman. Women are naturally attracted to men. But that doesn't mean you should feel weird if you like women or if you ever got turned on by a woman. The 1st time it happened to me,I said "its not way I'm gay" and I'm not gay. I am a woman who likes women. I'm not attracted to all women actually I'm rarely attracted to a woman. However,when I always get what I want when it comes to women and gay, bi, straight, if I want you I will have you. So women, don't feel ashamed that you are attracted to women, go to the strip club, watch lesbian porn(MY PERSONAL FAVORITE) just connect with your womanly side, doesn't mean you are gay, just means you like what you like! I promise your man will enjoy it later!

Part 3 of 5 will be coming b4 the end of the week!

Until then I AM,


Thursday, December 10, 2009

So I bet you are wondering..

So I bet all my readers are wondering, wasn't Bear just engaged to some other chick! How did you all get engaged a month later?


Women fail to realize the power that we have in between our legs. Erica may have been there for him mentally and emotionally for the last 3 or 4 years but I was the chick that full filled all of his sexually desires. I was the woman he came home to every night.

Advice Moment- As a woman you should ALWAYS want to be his last and his best. Women who are married or in serious relationships with men, are always quick to fuss, complain and get upset. Please remember, IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU. He is the man and you are the WOman! He is the head and you are the tail. The more you try to boss a man around the more he will leave you alone. I may have multiple degrees, have my own business on top of my corporate career but I've always let Bear think he is more intelligent than me. No, I'm not dumbing myself down for him, I actually am making my life easier. In the 5 years we have been together, we have never argued! I do what I am told, I bring women into the relationship, I cook him dinner, suck his dick and I do whatever freaky shit he wants me to do. More importantly, I keep my mouth closed. He doesn't have to worry about talking on the phone around me, cause I'm a down ass bitch. I don't say shit to anyone or anything. Why do you think I'm so secretive on this blog and on my twitter. If ANYONE knew who Bear really was and that I was semi telling his business. I would be in Fulton County Morgue right now. I'll leave my advice at this. Learn how to please your man and you will ALWAYS get everything you want!

Now back to Erica, whenever she came to Atlanta, she would stay in a hotel. Only chick that was allowed to stay in his home was ME! Not his family, not his friends. Just me. I am that Bitch!

We didn't ever talk about the future and I never pressured him into a relationship, matter of fact, whenever he wanted to discuss our "future" I changed the subject. I have a Masters in Mechanical Engineering and I'm about to start my Ph.D program next fall. My mom is a Dr and my daddy was a lawyer. What do I look like being in a serious relationship with a 3 time felon? Much less marrying one! But like my momma always told me, you can't control who you love. And I love Bear.

When I left that day and we didn't talk for weeks, Erica was in town. I cried for days and I was so lost in trying to move back into my house, straighten things out, travel to Texas etc that I was overwhelmed. I came back to his house and got my other clothes and he was there, talking to her on the phone saying he would be back at the hotel later. I cringed at the thought of him making love to her, when we just did a couple nights before. He heard me come in the house but didn't say shit to me. We hadn't talked in a week and tears were forming. He had never seen me cry other than the day I learned about my home, I wasn't going to show him weakness especially not over him!

I accepted the facts it was over and he and Erica were making wedding plans.

Part 3 of 5 (How I got Engaged) Coming Soon

Until Then I am


Thursday, December 3, 2009

Down to Business

I'm in my hotel room in London waiting on my fiancée to call me. Yes, Fiancée. Bear proposed to me on November 14, 2009 at 10:00pm. Just wait, I will get to that. Let me back up a little.

On October 11, 2009. I changed the locks to my house. I changed my number and I overall changed my life. I cut off all my side pieces and I cut off Bear. I was tired. I had been living with Bear for almost a month at this point, but yet every night he did not come home. I was left alone. He would say he was "working" and bring me back food and clothes the next morning or around 4am,but I wasn't satisfied. I had lost so many things in the flood and here was the man I loved NOT giving me any time! In the on and off 5 years we had been together we never said I love you. We never spent time together around family or his boys. I always assumed I was the side chick, his job was his main bitch and he only had love for his money. Where was he those nights when I was home alone? Where was he when I called? Trapping is 1 thing but damn nigga you can't come home at night to warm bed and a wet pussy? I cleaned his house, I washed his clothes and he still did not come home.

The day came for me to move back into my condo! I was very excited and more importantly I couldn't wait to get back into my own space. I changed the locks, I changed my numbers, I even changed my alarm code. I was moving on with my life. I called Bear, no answer.. So I broke up with him on his voice mail. He didn't have enough respect for me to come home at night, why should I tell him how I really felt. Truth is, I had fallen in love with Bear and I didn't want to tell him how hurt I was. I had given my all to a man who didn't love me in return.

A week passed and no phone call from Bear. Well he didn't have my number. But of course he could have stopped by or called my office. He knows where I live and knows where I work. If he really cared he would have stopped by to see me. I took myself to New Orleans for the Saints vs Falcons game, flew my mom in for the last two days and reexamined my life. It was time for Maria to change.

I can't front though, I met up with an ex chick of mine and I had her moaning so loud the neighbors at her apartment knew she was fucking Maria! I had her sitting on my face and her pussy walls kept shaking on my nose. I will always love pussy, ring or not! lol

Needless to say between then and November 14, 2009. Some things have changed...

Stay tuned

Until then I am


Monday, October 5, 2009

I've accepted the facts

Being with Bear the last couple of weeks has lead to a stronger connection between the two of use. I have learned things about him I had no clue i would ever find out. From his favorite movie to his love of Golf. I found out deep seceret that he never invisioned sharing with anyone. He became my rock in the midst of the flood that was going on! We have started to go in on a deeper level. But my reality is so clear now. He does have a woman he is engaged to. She lives in Boston and is a lawyer and apparently is the woman who got him out of his Federal case a couple of years ago. She has always been his ride or die.

Even though he always told me I fullfilled his sexual desires we never discussed anything more, I never spent time at his home and I never took it further than shopping,trips and late nights at strip clubs and my house. He was there to fullfill my needs but not my true wants in having a relationship. We have spent everyday together for almost 2 weeks and it has been great. Not 1 argument, not 1 disagreement. Pure happiness and then last night he broke it down to me. Not that I didn't already "know" he had someone but he never told me. He told me all about Erica. Erica was "the one" and they are getting married next June. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a tad bit shocked. I never pictured Bear as the marrying type. He was a good man but he had a lot of flaws and temptations including me. He told me that she lived between here and Boston and the two weeks I have been staying with him she just so happened to be working on a major trial there and wasn't coming back to Atlanta for another week or so.

He finally told me the truth. After a year of hotels and shopping sprees he finally told me the truth. My heart was semi crushed but I was happy for the truth. To my girls that had met him he was "my man" to his boys I was "lil mama". We had always been friends to them but they knew really what it was.

As I am typing this, my eyes have started to get heavy thinking about last night. I had just invited my homegirl over to give me head, I hadn't had the touch of a woman in weeks and while Bear was off attending to his work, I invited her over. Just as she was eating me out from the back Bear walks in. All 3 of us laughed and to my suprise she invited him to join us. We both went in on her and she was screaming so loud that I had to cover her face. Bear and I work so well as a team. lol When she left she said "when can I do this again" Bear grabbed me and said "My girl aint gonna have no more girlfriends anytime soon"

I looked and I got silent, for the 1st time ever in our "relationship" he called me his girl. He saw the puzzled look on my face and as my homegirl walked out he kissed me and said "fiancee or not, you will always be my girl" i got so uncomfortable and happy at the sametime, he really wanted to show me he cared. From the clothes he has bought me to those words, I really have started to get overwhelemed. I can not fall for Bear..

Until Next Time I am
SBF Atlanta

The flood came

As I sit here on my laptop with a warm mug of Coffee I am thankful. Thankful for another day. I lost everything in the Atlanta flood. I lost clothes, my shoes, pictures and everything few and far between. Yes I am used to recieving extravagant gifts, nice trips, expensive clothes and jewels but NOTHING could have prepared me for this!

When I bought my townhome 5 years ago, I was living the American dream. 3 years out of college I owned a HOME. It was mine! No man bought it for me, no man even contributed to anything and I purchased it on my own! I was so proud of myself! I had finally went from an apartment to a home! I painted MYSELF, Decorated MYSELF and eventually replaced light fixtures, kitchen items etc. I did it on my own! TOOK classes at Home Depot and Lowes! I was determined to be the epitome of SINGLE BLACK FEMALE!

Then it happened, I was out of town for the week for work. I was trying to fly back into Atlanta and I couldn't! The lady at the Delta counter said "Maam, I believe its major flooding and rain in Atlanta" I hadn't talked to any of my girls,so I texted a few to find out what was going on. My girl "Lisa" texted me and said "girl its a mess here, you need to get someone to check on your house" So I texted "Bear" in a panic he went to my house and responded with a phone call "Maria, your bottom level of your house is flooded" I stood in the airport with tears in my eyes. This did NOT happen! An hour later my flight boarded, I got my car from the lot and attempted to drive home. I couldn't even get to my neighborhood because there was severe flooding. I spent the night with Bear and only had the 3 suits I had packed from my business trip and 1 pair of jeans. The next morning I was able to get to my home.

Everything downstairs was destroyed..Water was up to thighs and my bed was covered in water. There was a window broken, and clothes thrown around. I am sure someone tried to loot my home, however got scared by the alarm. I never recieved a call from my alarm service.

I wept in "Bear's" arms and he said "Don't worry, I will replace it all" It never crossed my mind if the "things" would get replaced because truth of the matter is, I had faith in myself. I had DONE it all on my own, I could very well do it again. It was the fact that pictures of my grandmother and I in Cuba before she died were ruined, an antique stool she had given me was ruined as well. It wasn't the clothes or the shoes or the carpet or hardwood, it was the memories that couldnt ever be replaced. I packed up some of the clothes that could be salvaged and prepared myself for the days ahead. It has been two weeks and almost everything on the bottom level of my home had to be thrown away. There is still major work to be done and I know its only the beginning.

When people at my job heard of my lost, they gave me days off with pay that would not go against my vacation days, held a fundraiser for me and raised almost $3,000 and offered me so many things! I am truly grateful for them. People think I just "have" but I really don't. Yes I own a home, yes I drive a Range and a Benz but I pay for 3 kids to attend college, I pay the mortgage on my mothers house. I don't have alot of "extra" money lying around. My savings are all stored up in 401ks and Mutual Funds, Stocks and Bonds and IRAs. But I'm grateful for everyone especially Bear..

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Good Morning snitches!

I have had such a great last couple of weeks! No Bear, my girlfriends from LA came into town. Core DJ's my boo came into town and another free getaway! Not to mention my job is letting me work from home, to save on Cost!

My married boyfriend had to fly to Texas last weekend, so he asked me to come with. Of course, I keep trying to cut him off, but I had a flashback to how great the Vitamin D is so I decided, I will NOT turn down a free TRIP!

We are on the plane, going to Texas, he wants to try to see if I can give him head. Why is it that whenever a MARRIED man gets a girlfriend, they thing she will do EVERY fantasy he has ever had?! I know I am living a fantasy world right now, but still, I don't want to be the chick that has done EVERYTHING. I am saving a couple of 1st for my husband! I won't be giving away all my goods quite yet! So I decline, put on my ipod and fall asleep.

He gives me the worst look, when we land and I could give a shit less if he cares. I am NOT his wife and I don't care if he is angry. Some shit I JUST am NOT going to do! So we get to the hotel after getting the rental, and of course he wants some. Its about 10pm their time and Midnight EST. So I am tired, but I knew I was gonna have to give him some.

So as I am in the handstand position, he is putting a hurting on me. The D was even more amazing than I remembered from 2 months ago. THEN IT HAPPENED I got on top. Married is 10 years my senior. So he has a lot more experience than I do. Especially since he has only been married to his wife 5 years. But I somehow was able to shock him! When I climbed on top, he came almost immediately and with me! Whenever he usually comes, he acts like a G and tries to make fun of me for laying there dead to the world. But this time, his face was priceless. He laid there for about 5 min and said "I have NEVER come, when a woman was on top of me, you are dangerous" I laughed and I didn't take him serious. I have done that to many a men in my life but never did they admit I was the 1st! I kissed him and said "Baby, that's why you love me, I let you experience things you haven't ever experienced"

After that, we rolled over and went to sleep. Please believe, the rest of the weekend was fantastic. Went to Galleria Mall, bought out BETSEY JOHNSON. Shopped for a couple other things, while he was in meetings and headed back to ATL the next day. I can't wait to see him again, I will be putting a hurting on him!

Let me get out the bed, this working from home thing has me LAZY!!

Until then I am